A few months ago, If someone were to ask me if I was comfortable being single, I would have said, “Yes of course! I don’t need anyone to be happy.”
For a long time, I tried to convince myself that I was “unbothered,” and did not need someone else to validate me or to make me feel whole. But the truth was,
I hated being alone.
I hated not having someone to vent to about my day. I hated not having someone to call “my own” while watching other couples progressing in their relationships. But most of all, I hated being alone with myself (More on that later).
Looking back, there was never a time in my teenage or adult life that I wasn’t in a relationship or emotionally tied to someone in one way or another.
Growing up, I did not witness a lot of affection in my home. My parents loved me no doubt. But I had hardly ever witnessed peacefulness in their relationship.
Because that was my environment for a long time, I began needing conflict and chaos in my life to feel a sense of normalcy.
Peace, was very uncomfortable for me.
This later reflected in my romantic relationships. I picked fights with my partners to see how much, or if they truly cared to “fight for me.”
If there were no arguments, I figured, “Does this person really care? I need to do something to find out how they really feel.”
You can just imagine how messy things got.
But at the first sign of conflict, I was usually the one to end things or threaten to walk away from the relationship.
I didn’t want to experience the possibility or pain from that person saying, “I don’t want to be with you anymore. I’m moving on to someone better.” So I always tried to beat them to the punch.
Each time things ended, I blamed that person entirely, never taking accountability for my own actions.
I know all of that may sound contradictory.
Walking away from the conflict that I was quite often responsible for creating. But here’s the thing…
While I enjoyed feeling loved, cared about, and wanted, I was not comfortable reciprocating those emotions, nor did I want to entertain conversations that made me feel vulnerable.
Walking away was my defense. If I ended things first, I figured it would hurt a lot less when or if they decided to.
My fear of rejection and abandonment were paralyzing.
Recently, I’ve started to see the connection between the way I handled conflict in relationships and my childhood.
The experiences we have when we are young shape a great deal of our personalities. Including, the way we see the world, how we deal with conflict and pain, the partners we choose, our level of resiliency after enduring trauma, and so much more.
Take a look at your relationships. Past and present. What issue continues resurfacing, no matter how many times you’ve moved on to someone else?
Consider This,
In each of your relationships you have the tendency to want to “fix” the person you are with. They continuously treat you poorly, yet you stay. & you are not sure why.
People who do this usually experience/or have experienced the following:
- Low self-esteem/low sense of self-worth.
- Grew up constantly seeking approval from parents/caregivers.
- A perfectionist mentally.
- A fear of abandonment.
- Needing to be in control of situations and the people around them.
When you don’t have someone to care for or to “fix,” your entire world feels off because feeling needed is how you’ve learned to define your self-worth.
Or maybe you grew up hearing your parents/caregiver say or do hurtful things and now, you do the same in your relationships – or you tolerate when it is being done to you. This makes sense because that is what you are most familiar with.
Whatever your unresolved “thing” is, it will show up in your relationships. Both romantic and platonic.
It is not always others who need to change, sometimes it is us.
Loneliness is one of the most painful emotions we go through as humans. But much worse, is spending a lifetime running away from ourselves and numbing painful memories and experiences with temporary fixes.
I say that this is worse because running away from our pain prevents us from having truly fulfilling, meaningful, and healthy relationships. Ones where love, reciprocity, peace, vulnerability, and affection are the foundation.
When we live life unhealed, we are easily offended, triggered, defensive, and act impulsively. Usually because the current situation we are facing reminds us of something we’ve tried to bury from the past. There is a reason certain situations repeat themselves. Look inward. The root of the issue may still be there.
No matter where you are in your journey, you can find the peace and freedom you desire. You can have healthy, beautiful relationships no matter what your past looks like.
Two books that I highly recommend that may prove very helpful in helping you to dig deeper are:
Brene’ Brown – The Gifts of Imperfection
Amir Levine – Attached.
When you actively begin to commit to your healing journey, your life will change. Slowly but surely.
Your quality of relationships will improve. You will learn to deal with conflict in a healthier way and become more comfortable coming face to face with your pain.
I see it happening in my own life. Especially since starting therapy. I was very hesitant to begin because I did not want to seem like I was crazy, and of course, had my doubts about telling a complete stranger the intricate details of my life lol. But honestly, seeing a therapist is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
I still struggle with vulnerability, offense, and wanting to avoid conflict, but the difference is, I now recognize the very moment these things are happening and can make the effort to handle the situation much differently than I would have in the past.
I truly hope the same for you. Whatever step you choose to take, even if it is small, you are still moving forward. That’s what truly matters. Be patient with yourself and be proud of how hard you are trying. Keep in mind that “Healing is a journey, not a destination.”
Be blessed and remember that you are loved,
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:31
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