Welcome back, or welcome if this is your first time visiting. Either way, I am glad you are here. 🙂
It’s been quite some time since my last post, so I want to share with you what’s been going on with me…
A few months ago, there were quite a few events and opportunities that I had been looking forward to. For months, I had planned on attending a conference that would allow me to network with some of the most inspiring and influential individuals in my field. I was also scheduled to speak at a women’s conference. This would be my first time doing something like this. I was excited, nervous, and ready to move into my life’s next chapter.
Finally, the day I had marked down on my calendar had arrived. My very first time attending a conference.
I was very nervous because I was attending by myself and would not know many people there. I woke up early, got dressed in the outfit I’d picked out the night before, and hurried out the door. The conference was scheduled to be a two day event.
Halfway through the day, I started to feel very ill.
I figured maybe it was because I did not eat breakfast and needed to get something in my system. However, after doing so, I still did not feel like myself. Something felt “off.” I made the decision to leave early and go home to rest. The next day, I did not feel any better and could not attend the second and final day of the conference. I was crushed. How could I be missing out on something I had been looking forward to for so long?
When it rains it pours…
The next day, because I still was not feeling like myself, I jokingly said to my mother, “maybe I should test for Covid.” I did, and the test came back positive. I could not believe it.
To be very transparent with you, it was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. Mostly because my symptoms were so unpredictable and I never knew what to expect. My mind ran wild with “what if” scenarios.
By the end of the first week, the isolation had started to take its toll on my mind. I started to realize just how much I had taken for granted. Things like my health, being able to spend time with family without restriction, being around others, and simply having the strength and energy to complete my usual activities.
3 weeks had gone by and I was still testing positive. Physically, I was becoming weaker because I felt too sick to eat or drink anything. I was losing a lot of weight, and filled with anxiety. As the fourth week approached, the fear subsided and I was consumed with anger.
I begged God to heal me…
yet I remained sick. I felt overlooked, ignored, and helpless.
I was scheduled to present at the second conference in two weeks. There was no way I would be ready in time. Then an email came. The leaders had informed me that the conference was postponed due to unforeseen circumstances.
Part of me felt relieved, because I knew I would not be ready to present, but the disappointment lingered. It felt like everything I was hoping for and looking forward to had been snatched away from me.
I questioned God and wondered whether he truly cared about what I was going through. I cried out to God saying, “I am living the way you want me to, why are you punishing me? Don’t I deserve to be happy too?”
Unexpected answers
In an attempt to connect with people who understood what I was going through, I began joining support groups on Facebook.
It was one of the best decisions I could have made at the time. I learned so much from the other members. Mostly though, I felt less alone.
The more I learned, the more I began to make the connection between my mind and health. I changed my diet (which 95% of it consisted of fast food), and started going for walks everyday. Most importantly, I worked very hard to address my negative thought patterns. I made a complete lifestyle change.
When I reflect upon this experience, I understand why God allowed everything to happen the way they did. Before getting sick, I lived life on autopilot. Mindlessly going through the day because my reality felt so deeply unfulfilling. It was as though I was stripped down completely and forced to rebuild a stronger “truer” version of myself.
You matter to God
Sometimes, we are doing our best, and things still get worse. You’ve been praying, and waiting on God yet you still feel overlooked.
You think, “Why isn’t God answering my prayers.” You may even look around you and see other people receiving the very things you have been praying for.
Words cannot express how disappointing this feels. But sometimes our prayers are answered with some of life’s biggest disappointments. – We just can’t see it yet.
It is very rare that we understand the “why” behind something not going our way. But God understands, and he is always looking out for you.
God never wastes disappointment…
or painful experience that we face in life.
Most importantly, I want you to know that you mean SO MUCH to God. Your pain, tears, worries, anxiety, depression, and heartache matter to Him.
God is especially close to those who are brokenhearted. Sometimes you may wonder, “is happiness a possibility for me? or “Will life always be disappointment after disappointment?”
The time is coming very soon when you will be walking in blessings you never imagined possible for yourself. The pain you are experiencing right now will not be in vain.
Jhevaun Gordon says
Little do you know these are all seeds to what will soon bring life to trees creating the most beautiful rainforest any man woman or child could ever dream of.I love your content and cannot wait until the rest of the world finds your art.
Ashley M. Johnson says
I appreciate you <3
LaTonya Bell says
Hello Ashley, Thank you for this powerful message and the Monday Motivation.
Ashley M. Johnson says
Hello LaTonya, of course! My pleasure. May God bless you, always. <3